Local man ‘could have sworn’ John McCain was president

        While watching the Democratic National Convention yesterday, local resident Artye McDaniels, 103, was confused to find that Barack Obama is the president of the United States.

"Obama is president, ya say?" A perplexed McDaniels said. "That can't be right. I could have sworn I voted for John McCain! This must be a mistake!"

McDaniels could not stop scratching his head, staring at his television set in disbelief. Though he has been living alone for the past seven years with nearly no contact with the outside world, the senior citizen said he distinctly remembers putting on his britches, brushing his teeth with baking soda, going to the local library and "casting a goddamn vote for John McCain."

Several residents in McDaniels' neighborhood have admitted their confusion at his home, which has remained decorated with McCain memorabilia and political posters long after the senator's loss to Obama in the 2008 election.

"I figured Mr. McDaniels must just be a sore loser or something," longtime neighbor Ronald Smith said, "but now I just feel bad for making fun of him. And for telling those kids to graffiti the side of his house."

McDaniels would not allow reporters to show him proof that Obama is, indeed, the president of the United States and McCain is somewhere probably dead.

"Get the hell off my property you sick bastards!" he said. "And you can count on four more years of McCain if I have anything to say about it!"

Frustrated college graduates wipe asses with diplomas

          U.S. college graduates, fed up with the job market and slow economy, have began wiping their asses with their diplomas in protest.

         The nationwide protests, known as the “Univershitty Protests,” have spread online via social networks as thousands of graduates have been posting pictures of their stained diplomas online.

         “I may not be able to find a respectable career with my degree,” recent MIT graduate Donald Cooper said, “but at least now I can save the family money on toilet paper.”

         The protests were sparked from a demonstration at Purdue University.  Three recent graduates who had been living on the streets wiped their asses with their degrees and marched across campus.

         “We wanted to send a message to everyone that our education system is setting us up for failure,” original protester Jamie Bridges said. “Plus, to be honest, the diploma paper actually makes for a comfortable wipe.”

         University deans across the nation have been quick to show their displeasure with the protests. The most outspoken, hilariously, has been Brown University Dean Katherine Bergeron.

         “I’m not going to sign my name to some official document just so some punk kids can wipe their asses with it,” Burgeron said. “A Brown degree can get you much further in life than a brown degree can.”

         With hundreds of new pictures appearing online each day, there is no end in sight for the Univershitty Protests. It seems only an improved job market can stop this disgustingly comical and tragic event.

        “This isn’t the worst protest I’ve seen in my lifetime,” Bergeron said, “but it is definitely the poopiest.” 

You to continue reading this article

                Despite having what some have called an unappealing headline, you have just opened this article and started reading it.

                “I’m really not sure why I’m reading this article,” you said. “So far it doesn’t really seem to be about anything. I’m beginning to wonder why it was even written.”

                Though the thought has crossed your mind to stop reading the article, you said that a combination of curiosity and boredom have kept you reading.

                “Why don’t I just stop right now?” You said. “Derrick is obviously an asshole and trying to screw with my head. He’s a weirdo.”

                Sources have indicated that I’m not a weirdo. It seems that you’re the one reading a pointless article when you should instead be focusing on homework, looking for a job or spending time with your family.

                “Thank God it’s finally over,” you said. “That was stupid.”

‘Best boyfriend ever’ to leave half-eaten sandwich for girlfriend

                In what may be the most thoughtful gesture of their 3-year relationship, Jake Harrington plans to leave his girlfriend Mary Rockmore a half-eaten bologna sandwich.

                Harrington said the thoughtful act, which occurs after the two had a long argument the previous night, is sure to keep him in good standings for at least another three days.

                “It’s quite simple really,” Harrington said. “Everytime I screw up really bad, cheat on her or steal money from her, I leave her some meaningless gift. Then, by comparison to my previous actions, I seem like the best boyfriend ever!”

                Harrington’s actions are not uncommon. Just yesterday local resident James Norway said he was able to regain his wife’s love with a candy bar and an expired McDonald’s coupon.

                “Why waste time trying to treat her good and stuff when I can just screw up, spend three bucks and be out of the doghouse?” Norway said.

                Upon seeing the sandwich sitting on her pillow, Mary Rockmore said she couldn’t contain her excitement at her boyfriend’s obvious attempt to change his ways.

                “Oh my God! He is the best boyfriend ever!” She said. “I had better post a picture of this to facebook so everyone will know!”

               

Brief: Microsoft to release ‘Playstation 3’

                The first new video game console since 2006 is finally set to be released.

                Microsoft has unveiled its newest video game console, which it says far exceeds the capabilities of any game console on the market. The same company known for releasing the Xbox and Xbox 360 will now release the Playstation 3.

                “This is going to be the greatest and most powerful system ever released,” Microsoft DirectX team leader Otto Berkes said. “When we release this beast, people are going to forget all about that shitty Xbox.”

                The company’s system is set to be released August 15, 2012. No one from Microsoft would offer any info on the system’s origins or how it was put together so quickly.

                “That’s none of your goddamn business,” Microsoft chairman Bill Gates said. “All you need to know is that the Playstation 3 is going to blow your mind away. I mean, it basically does everything.”

Celtics’ Allen dies embarrassing death

                Ray Allen of the Boston Celtics has died at the age of 37, suffering what NBA Commissioner David Stern called “the most humiliating death ever.”

                Allen was crossing a nearly empty street in downtown South Beach when two Mack trucks sandwiched the superstar shooting guard and squished him like a pancake.                                                       

                “It was seriously the most strange and awesome death I’ve ever seen,” Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade said. “but oh well. Shit happens.”

                Allen was crossing the street to meet Wade, who was planning to attend a local gay bar with the squished shooter. The truck collision was just the beginning of Allen’s humiliating death.

                “After them trucks hit that boy I knew he was mincemeat,” South Beach resident Lester Jenkins said. “But when the buzzards started picking his limbs apart I just felt bad for him.”

                Allen’s remains were recovered by the south beach police force, who shoveled him into the nearest dumpster. Neither truck driver in the collision walked away with the slightest injury.

                Allen will forever be remembered as the key player in bringing Boston’s “Big Three” together to win the NBA Championship in 2008. Allen carries the title along with the NBA record for most career 3-pointers, previously held by former Indiana Pacers guard Reggie Miller.

                “At least he died as a hero with a respectable legacy,” former Celtics teammate Kevin Garnett said. “Can you imagine if he joined the Miami Heat or something? That would have been the worst move of his entire career. But still, what a bullshit way to go.”

                No charges have been filed against the drivers who turned Allen into a shish-kabob as chief of police Johnny Carson has decided to simply “forget the incident and just kind of pretend it never happened.” 

Allen defers interest in Heat

                The sharp shooting guard Ray Allen will have no part in the Miami Heat organization after an overnight visit with the professional basketball team went “fucking terrible.”

                Allen, who won his first NBA championship title with the Boston Celtics, is now a free agent and able to join any team he desires. He has been struggling between whether to finish his career with pride and dignity as a Celtic or join the flaming Heat team.

                “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking,” Allen said as reporters caught him fleeing from Miami’s tree house in Lebron James’ backyard. “These guys are mentally unstable. And I don’t think [Chris] Bosh stopped staring at me the entire sleepover.”

                James, who invited Allen to come and “hang out with the king” before making his final team selection, said he has no idea where things went wrong.

                “We told ghost stories, roasted marshmallows and performed a few satanic rituals,” James said. “If that’s not a good time then maybe I should just take my talents back to Cleveland.”

                All-Star forward Paul Pierce said he warned Allen to stay away from the group, who have a reputation for being strange and misguided assholes who could only win a championship during a chaotic and uncanny NBA season, not to mention just lame in general.

                “I would never hang with those dudes, let alone consider joining their team,” Pierce said as he nailed a half court three-pointer. “I’m just happy they didn’t rape his ass or something…although he is walking a little funny.”                

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
                With hopes of securing Allen slipping away from the Heat, head coach Erik Spoelstra said he will now triple his efforts to enslave the shooting guard.

                “When I want a superstar to join this team, they join the team. Period,” Spoelstra said. “The forces of darkness will overpower Ray until he has no choice but to join our ranks.”

                “What the fuck?” Allen said when told of Spoelstra’s comments. “Catch you guys later I need to go sign back up with the Celtics.”