Brief: Microsoft to release ‘Playstation 3’

                The first new video game console since 2006 is finally set to be released.

                Microsoft has unveiled its newest video game console, which it says far exceeds the capabilities of any game console on the market. The same company known for releasing the Xbox and Xbox 360 will now release the Playstation 3.

                “This is going to be the greatest and most powerful system ever released,” Microsoft DirectX team leader Otto Berkes said. “When we release this beast, people are going to forget all about that shitty Xbox.”

                The company’s system is set to be released August 15, 2012. No one from Microsoft would offer any info on the system’s origins or how it was put together so quickly.

                “That’s none of your goddamn business,” Microsoft chairman Bill Gates said. “All you need to know is that the Playstation 3 is going to blow your mind away. I mean, it basically does everything.”

Celtics’ Allen dies embarrassing death

                Ray Allen of the Boston Celtics has died at the age of 37, suffering what NBA Commissioner David Stern called “the most humiliating death ever.”

                Allen was crossing a nearly empty street in downtown South Beach when two Mack trucks sandwiched the superstar shooting guard and squished him like a pancake.                                                       

                “It was seriously the most strange and awesome death I’ve ever seen,” Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade said. “but oh well. Shit happens.”

                Allen was crossing the street to meet Wade, who was planning to attend a local gay bar with the squished shooter. The truck collision was just the beginning of Allen’s humiliating death.

                “After them trucks hit that boy I knew he was mincemeat,” South Beach resident Lester Jenkins said. “But when the buzzards started picking his limbs apart I just felt bad for him.”

                Allen’s remains were recovered by the south beach police force, who shoveled him into the nearest dumpster. Neither truck driver in the collision walked away with the slightest injury.

                Allen will forever be remembered as the key player in bringing Boston’s “Big Three” together to win the NBA Championship in 2008. Allen carries the title along with the NBA record for most career 3-pointers, previously held by former Indiana Pacers guard Reggie Miller.

                “At least he died as a hero with a respectable legacy,” former Celtics teammate Kevin Garnett said. “Can you imagine if he joined the Miami Heat or something? That would have been the worst move of his entire career. But still, what a bullshit way to go.”

                No charges have been filed against the drivers who turned Allen into a shish-kabob as chief of police Johnny Carson has decided to simply “forget the incident and just kind of pretend it never happened.” 

Allen defers interest in Heat

                The sharp shooting guard Ray Allen will have no part in the Miami Heat organization after an overnight visit with the professional basketball team went “fucking terrible.”

                Allen, who won his first NBA championship title with the Boston Celtics, is now a free agent and able to join any team he desires. He has been struggling between whether to finish his career with pride and dignity as a Celtic or join the flaming Heat team.

                “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking,” Allen said as reporters caught him fleeing from Miami’s tree house in Lebron James’ backyard. “These guys are mentally unstable. And I don’t think [Chris] Bosh stopped staring at me the entire sleepover.”

                James, who invited Allen to come and “hang out with the king” before making his final team selection, said he has no idea where things went wrong.

                “We told ghost stories, roasted marshmallows and performed a few satanic rituals,” James said. “If that’s not a good time then maybe I should just take my talents back to Cleveland.”

                All-Star forward Paul Pierce said he warned Allen to stay away from the group, who have a reputation for being strange and misguided assholes who could only win a championship during a chaotic and uncanny NBA season, not to mention just lame in general.

                “I would never hang with those dudes, let alone consider joining their team,” Pierce said as he nailed a half court three-pointer. “I’m just happy they didn’t rape his ass or something…although he is walking a little funny.”                

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
                With hopes of securing Allen slipping away from the Heat, head coach Erik Spoelstra said he will now triple his efforts to enslave the shooting guard.

                “When I want a superstar to join this team, they join the team. Period,” Spoelstra said. “The forces of darkness will overpower Ray until he has no choice but to join our ranks.”

                “What the fuck?” Allen said when told of Spoelstra’s comments. “Catch you guys later I need to go sign back up with the Celtics.”