Celtics’ Allen dies embarrassing death

                Ray Allen of the Boston Celtics has died at the age of 37, suffering what NBA Commissioner David Stern called “the most humiliating death ever.”

                Allen was crossing a nearly empty street in downtown South Beach when two Mack trucks sandwiched the superstar shooting guard and squished him like a pancake.                                                       

                “It was seriously the most strange and awesome death I’ve ever seen,” Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade said. “but oh well. Shit happens.”

                Allen was crossing the street to meet Wade, who was planning to attend a local gay bar with the squished shooter. The truck collision was just the beginning of Allen’s humiliating death.

                “After them trucks hit that boy I knew he was mincemeat,” South Beach resident Lester Jenkins said. “But when the buzzards started picking his limbs apart I just felt bad for him.”

                Allen’s remains were recovered by the south beach police force, who shoveled him into the nearest dumpster. Neither truck driver in the collision walked away with the slightest injury.

                Allen will forever be remembered as the key player in bringing Boston’s “Big Three” together to win the NBA Championship in 2008. Allen carries the title along with the NBA record for most career 3-pointers, previously held by former Indiana Pacers guard Reggie Miller.

                “At least he died as a hero with a respectable legacy,” former Celtics teammate Kevin Garnett said. “Can you imagine if he joined the Miami Heat or something? That would have been the worst move of his entire career. But still, what a bullshit way to go.”

                No charges have been filed against the drivers who turned Allen into a shish-kabob as chief of police Johnny Carson has decided to simply “forget the incident and just kind of pretend it never happened.”